I'll Have a Venti Black Coffee with a Double Shot of Espresso and Self-Indulgence to Go, Please

There are 10,000 Starbucks shops in the world and there are over 30 different types of coffees. I figured everyone in the world has tried at least one of them.

This is not the case.

You see, people here don't drink coffee, they drink mate. Mate is a very unique South American drink consisting of yerba leaves mixed with hot water. In the summer, hot water is replaced with iced juice; this kind of mate is called terere.

When the Argentine teenagers "hang out" (a term that I taught the English classes here) in the plaza, one person brings the mate cup with its silver straw, and everyone takes turns sharing the drink. The cup is passed around the circle as everyone takes a few sips. It's a little reminiscent of the Arab hookah, but fortunately much healthier.

I tried to explain to the Argentines that in the U.S. we too like to get together to drink hot beverages. I told them friends will often go to Starbucks and have a cup of coffee.

There were blank faces. "¿Conoces a Starbucks?" They exchanged confused glances and shook their heads.

I explained to them that Starbucks is a cafe (something else not often found here) where they sell cups of coffee. I made a motion with my hands to show the size of the cups of coffee. Their eyes widened.

It was at this point when I realized how unbelievably bizarre our custom is.

First...who drinks as much coffee as we do! The rest of the world has a small cup after dinner. We, however, have to drink buckets. If the Venti Starbucks cups weren't so stylish, we'd look like disgusting slobs drinking soda right out of the two-liter bottle.

Second...coffee actually doesn't taste that good. Sure, there are those fancy Starbucks drinks with whipped cream, caramel, chocolate, hazelnut and a cherry on top, but for those of us who prefer to not join the, quite literally, growing demographic of the American obese, this is not an option. Mate, on the other hand, tastes great even without sugar. Or maybe I'm just accustomed to the bitterness of coffee.

Third...I think it might be important to note that drinking coffee at Starbucks is more a self-serving activity than a social one. The Argentines share; we buy our own. They are participating in a cultural custom; we are fulfilling an addiction. They laugh; we brood (Bobby D sunglasses are a plus...especially pessimistic artsy types may find berets or oversized, ratty clothing to be helpful).

And I'm standing there, telling the Argentines about Starbucks and realizing how weird, and possibly gross, it is...and I couldn't miss it more! I want the comfy chairs. I want to run into random people at the counter. I want to carry the cup around with me all day to look cosmopolitan and debonaire. I want...I want...

I WANT MY GRANDE CAFE LATTE!

I don't care how materialistic or pretentious it is. I love Starbucks and I'm glad to have its coffee as my country's drink of choice.