Moe the Plumber

Politicians do all sorts of weird things to gain votes; McCain/Palin really like the "talk about very specific individuals and demographics" trick. It started off with hockey moms, next an Alaskan elementary school and then we moved to a few men who are oddly named "Joe Sixpack."

I thought I had finally figured it out. Well, of course they're talking about hockey moms so much! With McCain/Palin slipping in the polls, they've really got to excite their base; there's not a lot of it left! Here's the breakdown as I saw it:

Alaskans: 50%
Hockey Moms: 30%
Men named "Joe Sixpack": 20%

But last night John McCain went into unchartered waters. He was actually trying to expand his base by reaching out to someone who is apparently an expert on Obama's tax policy, a man who is now known only as "Joe the Plumber," which is I suppose a little like "Alexander the Great," or "Suleyman the Magnificent."

Joe the Plumber is a supposedly typical American who was looking to buy the business he'd been working for his whole life. The problem: if he bought the business, he would make over $250,000 a year and his taxes would go up under Obama's plan.

I suppose John McCain was trying to show that there are lots of ordinary, average American citizens (named Joe, by the way), who are going to have to pay higher taxes under Obama's plan.

Obama was quick to respond that 98% of small business owners make under $250,000. Even after a childhood in Westport, I know that $250,000 is well above average. In fact, I think most people would call that "rich." (Obama's answer to Joe himself was stupid: simply "spreading wealth around" is Socialism and not exactly why most people think we should pay taxes. McCain lightly touched on Obama's attempt at class warfare, and I think he might actually have a campaign of substance he focused on it. Apparently McCain/Palin think William Ayers is more relevant).

Unlike the other characters in the rousing black comedy that is the McCain/Palin campaign, I really get Joe the Plumber. I don't know anyone named Joe Sixpack or any hockey moms (except for one in Westport of whom I'm very fond, but for some reason I don't think she's the type that Palin is reaching out to).

I do know someone, however, who was pretty similar to Joe the Plumber. His name was Moe the Plumber and he was my grandfather.

Based on my knowledge of Moe the Plumber, I'm trying to figure out how effective McCain's new strategy is.

Let me provide a little background information: Moe the Plumber was born Murray Seymour (sp?) Feldman on June 12, 1928 in Brooklyn, NY to Pauline and Dan Feldman. For most of his childhood, he lived in his aunt's basement. His father was largely absent, but he did provide one major purpose in Moe's life: the union. Moe was able to enter the plumbing union because his father, Chewin' Tobacco Dan (not a joke), was a member.

Moe worked his way up through the ranks, eventually becoming the foreman of a plumbing company, raising a family in Queens with a backyard and a tomato garden (he had a lot of Italian friends, I guess). His hours were long and his boss was a tough, Jewish guy named Saul, Samuel or something like that. He didn't take vacations and he didn't get sick. Moe probably came closest to the realization of the American dream and the embodiment of the American ideal - a man driven by his work, by success, and by a belief that in spite of all the bad, life could be beautiful. If he weren't a Jew from Brooklyn, he would have been a most appropriate addition to McCain's cast.

Moe's political philosophy was probably most similar to libertarianism, but he voted Democrat pretty much every time. (He was, however, impressed with the arguments his few pro-Bush friends made). Moe was not a rebel, and a New York Jew voting Republican is much more than that - he'd be heretic. If conformity wasn't reason enough, there was also the consistent goading from his son-in-law and his grandson. He was staunchly against most welfare programs, not because he was a heartless Scrooge, but because he figured it was up to individuals to pull themselves out of poverty. During the final days of the primaries, when it was down to just John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, the newscaster said something along the lines of: "It will surely be an interesting election: a woman, an African-American, and a war veteran." "That's what people will see in November," my mom said. "People see a woman, a black man and a war vet. Who would someone like Grandpa Moe vote for?"

Someone like Grandpa Moe...hm.

Friends, there's a new key constituent group. In 2000, it was all about the Hispanics. In 2004, it was about the youth vote. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the group who will decide the 2008 election: plumbers.

Plumbers don't only live in the swingiest state of Ohio, like everyone's newest favorite American Joe. There are a lot of retired plumbers also living in Florida - I met at least five of them last year. And I'm sure there are lots of plumbers in Pennsylvania, too! My grandpa said that the plumbing union events drew big crowds; Sarah Palin's role model Hillary Clinton actually came to one of them!

There's a problem though. You see, the plumbing union actually endorsed Obama.

(1 point for Obama in Moe's book).

And actually...Joe the Plumber isn't even in the union.

(He's not in the union?)

Moe, I don't know how to tell you this but...Joe wasn't even an apprentice.

Moe: He was never an apprentice?
Me: No...he's actually the manager of a plumbing business.
Moe: So why's he speaking for plumbers?
Me: That's kind of where I'm going...
Moe: Who's Teddy voting for?
Me: Obama.
Moe: OK. I'll vote for the schwartze.

Aw shucks. Better luck next time, Republicans.

On the upside...rumor has it that my Grandpa John was a Republican. McCain might want to look into ladies' garments manufacturers. It looks promising!